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【我的中國故事】惹上警察

中國日報網(wǎng) 2013-05-10 10:11

 
【我的中國故事】惹上警察
約翰·布姆(John Boom)

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Blame it perhaps on me being a "stupid American," content to be blissfully unaware of theo utside world around me, or maybe it's my overactive imagination, or perhaps better yet, it is simply a case of me having seen too many Hollywood portrayals of innocent tourists beingruthlessly tossed into foreign gulags and made to talk by a fellow of ill repute, rank of sweat, body bulging with muscles and a conspicuous absence of a neck, regardless, it doesn't matter where you are in the world, it is never a good idea to run afoul of the police. China is no exception. While here, not once, but twice, I have had my heart stopped by such encounters. Am I some lawless reprobate, some vicious renegade? No. I am a university English teacher.

My first myocardial episode of ventricular fibrillation, i.e. A blood draining minor heart attack, was some weeks back, about 7 o'clock at night. I am enjoying the serene quietude of my domicile. I think I was doing something mundane like making miniature Huangshans out of my stacks of grades I had yet to complete. However, my time wasting reverie was brutallyinterrupted by a violent slamming on my door. Curious to see who or what so demanded my presence at such an hour, I cautiously made my way to my portcullis and trepidly peered through yonder peep hole. Perplexed, a pallor permeated my complexion. Rigidly at attention before my front door stood a police captain in full crisp dress blue with my landlady by his side. Come what may, most uncertain of what was going on I threw open my door to ascertain to the best of my ability what on Earth could the matter be? Much to my surprise and palpitating heart’s contentment, the police officer was reporting that he had found my missing USB jumpdrive. He had been selected for this particular assignment, not because of his exemplar rank, but that he spoke the best English. I thanked him and returned to normal breathing some time later.

This was my first run in with the law, my second was equally panic inducing. I was returning home from an intense game of ping-pong. What I mean by intense, is that I was leaping,running, and diving for every ball always a fraction of a second late while my opponent calmly proceeded to barrage me with stinging swarms of oddly spinning projectiles. Invigorated after the intense match I was walking back to my door when I saw a police car with full lights and sirens blazing. At first, I didn’t think much of it assuming that they were just out on their nightly patrol. It wasn’t until the vehicle stopped exactly where I stood and two guards stepped smartly out and officiously and expeditiously trode directly toward me. My autonomic nervous system kicked in and immediately turned on the fright section of my fright or flight response. I was petrified. I have a much better understanding of what an ungulate goes through in the presence of oncoming traffic. All I could do was stand there, firmly affixed in place, my eyeswide like proverbial saucers. My brain running like a frantic hamster, firing like lightning reviewing everything I had ever done since entering China. I could think of nothing that would merit a pair of policemen to come bounding toward me on a late Tuesday evening. The only advice my inner voice could think to offer was "Whatever you do don't run! You didn't do anything. Don't run." Seeing two Chinese police officers sprinting in your general direction when you are the only one around is a terrifying, nerve wracking experience that makes you want to change your shorts. The entire time my heart was quivering rather than beating, it was like a puppy hiding under the rug waiting for the storm to pass. When finally the police arrived they took their no parking sign and left.

(The author is an American, and he teaches English at Anhui University.)

 

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或許可以怪我是“美國笨蛋”,弄不清周圍情況卻也心滿意足,或許是我想象力太過豐富,或者更好的想法是,僅僅是我看過太多好萊塢大片,里面講述無辜游客被無情地扔進外國監(jiān)獄,遭受一群聲名狼藉、滿身臟汗、肌肉腫脹、甚至看不見脖子的警員拷問,無論如何,不管你在世界何方,惹上警察絕對不是個好主意。在中國也不例外。因為在中國,我就遇上了緊張地心都快停止跳動的情況,不止一次,還是兩次。你問我是不是目無法紀的惡棍,是不是墮落的叛逆者?不。我是大學英語教師。

我第一次小心臟都要抖三抖的情形,是在幾周前的一天,晚上7點左右。那一次我甚至感覺心肌衰弱,一種血液流失的輕微心臟病。我正享受著家中的安靜氛圍。回想起來,我那時正在做一些很普通的事(比如搭建沒完成的微型黃山模型)。突然,有人狠狠地拍門,粗暴地打斷了我的冥想。由于很想知道誰會在這么晚的時間找我,我小心翼翼地走到門口,驚恐地從貓眼向外看。然而門外的景象讓我不知所措,我的臉色刷地就變白了。門外筆直地站著一位身著藍色警服的警官,旁邊是我的女房東。不管怎樣,因為不確定出了什么差錯,我擰開門把手,打開門,盡我最大的能力確認到底是怎么回事?結(jié)果出乎我的意料,那位警官說他找到了我遺失的USB轉(zhuǎn)換驅(qū)動器,這讓我顫抖的小心臟得到了些許安慰。他被選來完成這個特別任務,不是因為他是模范標兵,而是他說得一口好英語。我謝過他后,過了好一會呼吸才恢復正常。

這是我第一次與法律正面接觸,然而第二次情形也讓我同樣驚慌失措。當時我剛剛打完激烈的乒乓球賽,然后往家走。我說這個比賽激烈,是說在眨眼的功夫里我得又蹦又跑,撲向每個球,而我的對手非常淡定,不斷用古怪的旋轉(zhuǎn)球“轟炸”我。激烈的比賽過后,我精力充沛往家門口走去,突然,看到一輛警車閃著警燈,鳴著警笛。剛開始,我也沒想太多,想著可能是他們正在進行夜間巡邏。直到警車準準地停在我面前,兩名警衛(wèi)敏捷地下了車,迅速向我走來。我下意識地神經(jīng)緊張起來,做好了作戰(zhàn)準備。當時我驚呆了。我現(xiàn)在更理解動物們在面對車流時是什么感覺。我只能站在那兒,一動也不能動,我的眼睛瞪得像碟子那么大。我就像受驚的倉鼠,迅速而慌亂地回想我來到中國后做過的每一件事。可是我就是想不到哪件事值得兩個警察在周二的深夜將我團團圍住。我內(nèi)心深處的唯一一個聲音告訴我“不管做啥,千萬別跑!你沒做壞事。不用跑。”眼睜睜地看著兩個中國警察向你所在的方向迅速跑過來,而周圍一個人也沒有,這種經(jīng)歷讓人很恐懼,感覺神經(jīng)經(jīng)受著極大的摧殘。整個這段時間我的心臟壓根不是在跳動,而是在顫抖,感覺就像小狗狗抖抖索索地藏在地毯下面等待暴風雨結(jié)束。最后警察過來了,卻僅僅是取走了“禁止泊車”的標識然后離開了。

(作者約翰·布姆為美國人,在安徽大學教英語。)

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(翻譯:shiyiyong? 編輯:Julie)

 

 

 
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