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Humor Joke 幽默笑話

中國日報網英語點津為您精選語言地道的英語笑話，開心學英語。

Dead Turtle

2006-03-03 08:00
"Mommy, my turtle is dead," the little boy, Myrddin, sorrowfully told his mother, holding the turtle out to her in his hand.

The mother kissed him on the head, then said...

2006-03-02 08:04
A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that's going to help."

"Sure it will." he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

Life flashing before my eyes

2006-03-01 08:27
Pete: "The last time I was out hunting, I stepped off a high cliff, and would you believe it, while I was falling every fool deed I'd ever done came into my mind."

Bob: "Must have been a pretty high mountain you fell from."

Flower & Rice

2006-02-28 08:29
Two Americans laid a wreath (花圈）on a comrade's grave and saw, nearby, a Japanese laying rice on the grave of a countryman. One American asked, "When do you expect your comrade to come and eat that rice?"

The Japanese replied, "When your friend comes to smell his flowers."

Drunks

2006-02-27 08:35
Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon."

The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend. "You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun." ...

Married four times

2006-02-23 18:35
Two ladies were hanging out together and one was depressed. "What's wrong?"
The depressed one replied, "I've been married four times and every one of my husbands has passed away..."

Single man at the supermarket

2006-02-23 08:51
A young man went shopping. He bought a small can of corn, a small can of tuna(金槍魚）, a small jar of mayo（蛋黃醬）, a small lemon and a very small box of teabags. When he came to the counter the girl at the cashregister smiled at him and said...

Chicken soup

2006-02-22 08:00
A Joe was in the hospital and it was time for lunch. He looks at his lunch and says, "I don't like chicken soup, bring something else."...

"Pull over" or "pull-over"

2006-02-21 08:00
A cop spotted a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Coming up beside her, he said, "Pull over!"

"No," she replied, "a pair of socks!"

Suspicious woman

2006-02-20 08:57
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women," she charged...

Distance from the accident

2006-02-15 08:39
A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed. The judge asked him how far away he was from the accident...

Broken engagement

2006-02-15 08:39
The soldier was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

Mixed doubles

2006-02-15 08:39
Teacher of Physical Education: Have you ever seen mixed doubles, boys?
體育老師：孩子們，你們見過男女混合雙打嗎？

Essay

2006-02-14 08:33
Teacher had set his class an essay in "A Game of Cricket". After two minutes Simon Steel handed his paper in and was allowed to go home. His essay read: "Rain stopped play."

My sister's fingers

2006-02-13 08:37
Teacher: Find Australia on the map for me, Johnny.
Johnny: It's there, sir.

You speak English?

2006-02-09 10:53
"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft.

Horse pulls the car

2006-02-08 08:29
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

The plural form of "child"

2006-02-07 08:00
Teacher: What is the plural of man, Tom?Tom: Men.

Charming Ending

2006-02-06 08:00
Young Lady: " Your novel has a charming ending."

Idiot

2006-01-31 08:00
Smith: " I keep hearing the word ' idiot '. I hope you are not referring to me."

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